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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28719507">driving home to you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicolours/pseuds/technicolours'>technicolours</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(like actually that's all they do), Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Childhood Friends, Driving, Inspired by drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo, M/M, Minor Lee Jeno/Mark Lee, Post-Break Up, Relationship Study, Suburbia, Time Skips, jeno mark and chenle are mentioned, jisung drives around a lot: the fic, suburban angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:01:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,143</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28719507</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicolours/pseuds/technicolours</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> "cause you said forever, now i drive alone past your street..." </i>
</p><p>jisung falls in love with driving around with jaemin over the years. he just never realizes that it always had less to do with drives and everything to do with jaemin until it's too late.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Na Jaemin/Park Jisung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>driving home to you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>you know when you live in a suburb and there's nothing else to do so you just end up driving around aimlessly? yeah that's it that's the fic with a few elements of falling in love with your childhood best friend while going on said drives</p><p>title &amp; inspiration from <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/7lPN2DXiMsVn7XUKtOW1CS?si=z7hzNw1gRL20sIhSyJfjIQ">drivers license</a> by olivia rodrigo (the bridge is heavenly. if you haven't already, give it a listen)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>NINETEEN</b>
</p><p>The first sign that maybe, just maybe, Jisung wasn't ready to come home for summer break hits him when he catches sight of his car in the driveway and immediately wants to break down crying.</p><p>All the memories he'd been trying so hard to keep at bay bubble up to the surface, closing around his throat and constricting his chest. He can picture himself - not quite the person he is now, but a couple years younger and a little more naive, fumbling with the keys as he turns the engine on and grips the steering wheel a little too tightly - and the ghost of a person he thought knew him the best, grinning at him with his widest, most charming smile.</p><p>Every corner of his hometown crawls with reminders of one Jaemin Na, someone he'd very much like to forget about. But he can't, not when their lives are so deeply intertwined: not when they'd practically grown up at each others' houses ever since their parents became best friends and as a result started forcing them to hang out, not when all of Jisung's fondest memories of his childhood involve Jaemin in some way, shape, or form. There's cheerful Christmas dinners and boisterous rounds of <em> yut nori </em>on New Year's; graduations and birthdays and piles upon piles of photographs that show the baby fat slowly fading from their cheeks as they grow and mature into the young adults they are now.</p><p>"Jisung, are you coming inside?" His mother calls from the door in Korean. "What are you doing, aren't you tired?"</p><p>"I'm okay," he turns to face her, giving her what he hopes is a reassuring smile. "I think I'm gonna go for a drive."</p><p>His mother looks at him, concern seeping from her furrowed eyebrows. "Are you sure that's a good idea? You haven't driven in months," she points out.</p><p>"I'll be careful, Mom, I promise." Jisung steps into the house, just for a few moments to run upstairs and drop his bag on the floor of his bedroom. He doesn't dwell long enough for the memories of Jaemin in every little piece of his room to resurface, sprinting back downstairs and grabbing his keys from the hook by the door. "Bye, I'll be back soon!" He calls over his shoulder, and then he's unlocking the car and slipping inside.</p><p>The interior of his car still looks and smells the way he'd remembered it - sun-soaked leather, warm against his bare legs and fingers as he curls them experimentally on the steering wheel. He has no real destination to get to, but mainly he finds that he just wants to get away for a little bit, just so he can think of nothing but the open road in front of him. The engine rumbles to life when he turns the key into the knob, and he puts one hand on the back of the passenger seat as he cranes his neck to back out of the driveway.</p><p>The memories threaten to come up once more at the gesture, so he just turns his attention back to the windshield and drives and drives past the seemingly endless stretch of suburban landscapes blurring into a haze of colors outside his window. It's as if his brain and body move on autopilot - blinkers on, a left turn here, stop at the red light, cut through the shortcut he's taken hundreds of times - and when he comes to his senses, he finds himself at a stop sign, one right turn away from the familiar house he's been to countless times.</p><p>The street's empty around him. In the distance, he can make out Jaemin's white car parked in the driveway, but there's no sign of the owner. Bitterly, he wonders if he's out with Mark again, before mentally admonishing himself because <em>what is he doing</em>? They're not together anymore, Jaemin's free to see whoever he wants to see. <em>He's </em>the odd one here for showing up unannounced for no reason just to stare at his house like a creepy ex.</p><p>He tears his gaze away from the house, inhaling shakily. At the exhale, he presses on the gas and drives past the Na residence, watching it grow smaller and smaller in his rearview window. He just wishes he could leave these unshakable, lingering feelings he still has for Jaemin on the streets that fade out of view behind him. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b><br/>
EIGHTEEN </b>
</p><p>Jaemin taps his fingers restlessly against the steering wheel, turning his head to glance at Jisung - always on the lookout to make sure he's okay.</p><p>And Jisung's fine, really. Clearly, he didn't know what his limits were, and with the prospect of the newfound freedom that comes with being a college freshman, he'd gotten a little too drunk because... well, maybe he just wanted to prove that he <em> could, </em>anything to show Jaemin that he wasn't the little kid he'd grown up with anymore. Except the night had ended with Jaemin wrangling drink number whatever (he'd lost count) out of his hands and taking his arm, his roommate's car keys out as he gently shoved him into the passenger side of Jeno's car.</p><p>Jisung hasn't been able to tear his eyes off of Jaemin ever since they'd started driving. There's alcohol still thrumming in his veins, loosening his lips and his inhibitions. "Stop the car," he says suddenly.</p><p>Jaemin looks at him in alarm. "Are you going to throw up? Because this is Jeno's car-"</p><p>"No," Jisung shakes his head. He leans back against the headrest, dropping his gaze to Jaemin. "Remember when we used to just drive around with nowhere to go, and we'd park the car in the middle of your street and just sit there and talk?"</p><p>Jaemin nods, though he continues to maneuver the car forward. "Yeah." He smiles at the memory, and then when they stop at a red light, he shifts his attention back to Jisung. "How about this? You can crash at my place, Jeno's still at the party, and we can just sit in the driveway."</p><p>"Sounds good."</p><p>Jaemin flashes him a fond smile, and the light changes, replacing the glow of the red lights with a green hue. And Jisung, still keeping his eyes on Jaemin, can't help but to think of how beautiful he looks, even despite the harsh lighting.</p><p>The corner of his lips quirk up. "I can feel you staring, you know."</p><p>"Ah. Sorry," Jisung says sheepishly. And then, because he's still not fully recovered from the effects of the various drinks he'd had through the night, he blurts out, "you look nice."</p><p>Jaemin snorts, taking his eyes off of the road for one quick second to shoot Jisung an incredulous look. "Where'd that come from?" He asks, attention snapping back to the windshield.</p><p>Jisung shrugs. "It's true," he mumbles. "You always do."</p><p>Jaemin says nothing, but Jisung can still make out the smile that lingers on his lips. There's a strange fluttering sensation in his chest, and he can't shake the urge to lean over and kiss the spot in the corner of his mouth where his lips curve upwards. Which would be stupid, because one, Jaemin's driving and if he distracts him, there's a chance that they would probably both die, and he's only eighteen and he'd rather not die immediately after his first kiss. Which brings him to point two: he's woefully inexperienced in this department, and judging from the way he's had to help Jaemin pick up the pieces of many flirtations gone awry and ex-somethings, Jaemin is completely out of his league. And point number three, possibly the most important one of them all: Jaemin doesn't see him in <em> that </em>way.</p><p>They're quiet for the rest of the drive, not speaking over the mellow Dean song that plays softly from Jeno's car's speakers. He's too busy lost in his own thoughts to realize that the car's stopped, and when he glances up, they're outside of Jaemin and Jeno's apartment complex.</p><p>Jisung turns his head, and he's suddenly aware of how <em> close </em> Jaemin is. He seems to be studying Jisung's face curiously, eyes warm as he takes him all in, and... <em> oh, </em>Jisung's heart pounds rapidly in his chest.</p><p>He's drunk. He's drunk, and he's imagining things, because there's no way Jaemin's eyes just flitted down to his lips for a second before he swallowed. And Jisung's drunk, because he's realizing now that he wants to kiss Jaemin, perhaps <em> has </em>been wanting to do that for a while now.</p><p>"Hey, Jisung," Jaemin says. His voice is soft, and he's looking at him with such palpable warmth in his eyes, but all Jisung can think about is what it would feel like to have Jaemin's lips on his.</p><p>He's drunk, and Jaemin is so, so close, and his heart beats to a dizzying rhythm in his chest when Jaemin meets his eyes. He takes a deep breath and leans over, one hand tilting Jaemin's chin up as he slots their lips together.</p><p>It's awkward. Jaemin's lips are slightly chapped, and he has no idea what he's doing, and <em> oh my God, </em> Jaemin's completely still underneath him. He pulls away just as quickly, eyes wide - <em> why did he do that? </em></p><p>Jaemin watches him with an equally shocked expression, and Jisung panics. "I'm gonna go, I'll get an Uber to take me back to my dorm," he says. "I'm so sorry."</p><p>"Was that because you were drunk?" Jaemin's voice rings out. It's steady, though his eyes betray his surprise.</p><p>Jisung freezes, fingers still hovering over the door handle, before he slowly turns his attention back to Jaemin. "What?"</p><p>"Did you only kiss me because you were drunk?" Jaemin repeats.</p><p>"I..." Jisung stammers. But he can't lie, not to Jaemin; not when Jaemin knows him better than anyone else on the planet (sorry to his mom and dad, but there's a lot of things they don't know: starting with the fact that he's wanted to kiss his childhood best friend for, well, a long time now).</p><p>"No," he murmurs. Then, he shakes it off, wrinkling his nose. "I’m sorry, this is so embarrassing. Can we just forget this ever happened?"</p><p>"No." Jaemin cuts in.</p><p>"No?" Jisung repeats, voice wavering at the question.</p><p>"No. Jisung, hey, listen to me," Jaemin says. He lets out a small laugh, running a hand through his hair. When he drops his arm, he's smiling. Jisung's a little scared, but he's hopeful. Maybe Jaemin won't crush his heart into a million pieces?</p><p>Jisung finally lets go of the door, settling back into the seat. Jaemin looks at him, and he wants to shrink in on himself at the intensity of his stare, but he forces himself to keep his eyes on Jaemin.</p><p>"Would you have kissed me if you weren't drunk?" Jaemin asks.</p><p>"Is this because I kissed you out of nowhere? Because I'm really sorry I did that, I swear, I don't go around kissing people randomly-" Jisung starts to say, but Jaemin cuts him off.</p><p>"No, wait, let me word it better. If you weren't drunk, would you still <em> want </em> to kiss me?"</p><p>Jisung frowns. "I'm a little confused."</p><p>"I would have kissed you back if you weren't drunk." Jaemin says. He leans forward; Jisung's heart races at the implications. Because that means...</p><p>"I like you, Jisung," Jaemin continues. "I like you, a lot, and it's a little terrifying to admit it because we have so much history between us that I've been so scared that having these feelings for you were going to fuck everything up, but..." He trails off. His eyes are wide, and he realizes how silent the car is without the rumbling of the engine or the music playing.</p><p>Jisung takes it in, and then his eyes widen in realization. "You... What? How long... What?"</p><p>Jaemin grins. "Ever since you came here. It threw me for a loop at first, you with your college student glow-up and all that extra added height, and then you were back in my life again like we'd never left home. Except, I'm starting to think that maybe home only felt like home because you were there."</p><p>"I..." Jisung regains some of his composure - well, as much as he can when his drunk brain's still processing the fact that he did something stupid and kissed his best friend, except then he just found out said best friend might return his feelings after all. "I like you a lot, too," he murmurs. "So... what happens next?"</p><p>"You sleep this off," Jaemin gestures with a hand vaguely. "And then, if you're not too hungover, we can talk about it tomorrow."</p><p>"Okay," Jisung agrees. And because alcohol seemingly makes him bold, he inquires, "and then if I'm sober, will you actually kiss me back?"</p><p>Jaemin laughs, head tilted back in mirth. He beams at Jisung, sharp canines peeking out amidst pearly white teeth, and he reaches over the center console and squeezes his hand. "I guess you'll just have to try it again tomorrow."</p><p>Jisung nods, numbly, still processing the words. Jaemin suddenly lets go of his hand to open the driver's side door, and he shuts it and comes around to Jisung's side. His door opens from the outside, and light spills into the car as Jaemin pokes his head in. "Come on," he says.</p><p>Jaemin slides his arms around Jisung, pulling him out of the car gently, but he doesn't extricate his embrace once they're both in the driveway. It's familiar, just like everything about Jaemin is. As they wordlessly shuffle inside, still wrapped up in each other, Jaemin's words echo in Jisung's mind.</p><p>As if sensing his distractedness, Jaemin glances over. Jisung meets his eyes and can't fight back a smile, and he watches as a slow grin breaks across Jaemin's features. There's a warmth in his chest that can only be attributed to Jaemin's presence, Jaemin’s fingers intertwined with his own.</p><p>Sure enough, it feels a lot like coming home. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b><br/>
SEVENTEEN</b>
</p><p>Jaemin holds up the vertical identification card, as if lining up the boy in the photograph to the one sitting in front of him, both hands curled around the steering wheel. "Wow," he says. "You look... angry."</p><p>"Shut up!" Jisung laughs, snatching his newly minted driver's license out of his grasp. He shoves it back into his wallet unceremoniously, turning back to Jaemin. "So? What's the one place you missed the most while you were away? I'll drive us there."</p><p>"Oh, okay, I get it now. <em> This </em>is why you invited me over, huh? Not that you wanted to see me, you just wanted to flex that you can drive now?" Jaemin teases.</p><p>Jisung wrinkles his nose. "Maybe a little bit of both."</p><p>Jaemin pouts. "Not even a single 'Jaemin, I missed you!' Nope, it was right into, 'what's up, let's go for a drive.' I see how it is."</p><p>"I saw you at Thanksgiving," Jisung deadpans. "And then when you came home for winter break, like, two weeks later." Jisung waves a hand dismissively, though he's laughing. Jaemin's laughter joins in, and he peers over his shoulder to meet his eyes - he did miss Jaemin. A lot, actually. Junior year's been tough, with SATs and ACTs and college prep, and while he has friends his age, Jaemin's always been by his side through, well, everything, and ever since he went away for college last August, things just haven't felt the same since. Of course, he comes home for breaks, but the time they spend together before Jaemin has to hop on another flight back to school just never seems to last long enough.</p><p>"I'm not giving up until you admit that you missed me." Jaemin crosses his arms petulantly, leaning back into the passenger seat.</p><p>"Okay, fine, I missed you," Jisung says quickly with a groan. "Now let's go, tell me where you wanna eat or I'll pick for us!"</p><p>"Jeez, I leave for a few months and the high school kids are already getting bold. I get no respect in this house anymore," Jaemin sniffs dramatically, pretending to wipe away a tear.</p><p>"Oh my God, old man, just pick a spot!" Jisung laughs.</p><p>"Fine! Pizza. I haven't had good pizza in forever," Jaemin says. "Missed that the most." Then, as an afterthought, he adds, "after you, of course."</p><p>Jisung snorts, pulling out of Jaemin's driveway with ease. "Sounds fake, but okay."</p><p>Jaemin laughs. He breathes life into the car - usually, it's just Jisung driving around by himself in silence, without music or someone else's voice to drown out the rumbling engine. His car has become somewhat of a safe haven for him: whenever he feels particularly overwhelmed by school or the impending doom of knowing that he has to have some idea of what he wants to do in the future soon, he grabs his keys and drives aimlessly around his neighborhood.</p><p>(His parents always say it's a waste of gas money, but Jisung always raises the point that he could be spending his money on other things, like, those e-cigarettes people in his grade keep smoking in the school bathrooms, and they can never argue with that.)</p><p>But Jaemin's been here for roughly five minutes and he's figured out how to use the Bluetooth system that Jisung never bothered to investigate and has given himself AUX privileges while going on and on about something funny that happened to him in college. And when he asks Jisung about neighborhood drama and what their parents and mutual friends have been up to, he listens, rapt with attention, nodding and laughing along at the humorous anecdotes.</p><p>They stop at a red light, and Jisung takes that moment to glance over. "I missed you."</p><p>Jaemin tilts his head. "You already said that."</p><p>"No, but, like, I mean it. I'm being serious," Jisung says. "You're my best friend, and I missed you a lot and I'm just really glad you're here now."</p><p>The light changes to green, but he doesn't notice until someone honks behind him. He tears his eyes away from Jaemin and steps on the gas, causing the car to lurch forward.</p><p>"I missed you too," Jaemin responds, sincerity seeping from his voice.</p><p>Jisung, keeping his eyes on the road like a responsible driver, smiles out the front window like a fool.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><b><br/>
SIXTEEN</b> <b></b></p><p>"I don't know what I'll do without you."</p><p>Jaemin looks over at him, expression thoughtful. Then, he musters up a small smile. He nudges Jisung's shoulder. "You'll be fine," he says. "You always do fine without me."</p><p>"Yeah, but..." Jisung scrunches his nose, "it'll feel weird to not have you around."</p><p>They fall into a thoughtful silence. With the windows down, the only audible noise in their quiet suburb is that of the cicadas loudly chirping outside, a surefire sign that the summer's starting to wind down. It's late August, and come tomorrow, Jaemin will be on an almost cross-country road trip with his parents as he moves into his college dorm, temporarily leaving behind his hometown - and Jisung - in search of new beginnings.</p><p>"Hey," Jaemin pokes at him again. "What are you worrying about?"</p><p>"I'm not worrying," Jisung retorts, but they both know he is. Jaemin's always been able to see right through all his thinly-veiled excuses and read all the emotions that he tries and fails to hide.</p><p>"Come on. What's bothering you? Speak now or forever hold your peace," Jaemin jokes.</p><p>"Nothing," Jisung says. Jaemin reaches over and tugs at his cheek, and Jisung glares at him, but he catches Jaemin's eye and is unable to fight back his grin. "Okay, fine," he grumbles, slapping Jaemin's hand away from his face as the older laughs.</p><p>"What's up?" Jaemin inquires. He shifts his position so he has one arm resting on the steering wheel, and he pillows his face atop it.</p><p>Jisung swallows, and then he shrugs, feigning indifference. "It's stupid. And childish. It's gonna make me sound like a little kid."</p><p>"You <em> are </em> still a kid," Jaemin points out. He reaches out to pinch Jisung's cheek again, cooing, while Jisung halfheartedly tries to shove his hands away. Something in him wants to scream that he's sixteen, and that's only two years younger than Jaemin's freshly eighteen. He's taller than Jaemin, he's not <em> that </em>much of a child - and yet Jaemin will probably always see him as that neighborhood kid with the adorably pinchable cheeks. Tomorrow, Jaemin will be in college, hundreds of miles away, and he'll meet cool people that are much cooler and older than Jisung, and soon enough, Jisung will be just another memory from home and nothing more.</p><p>He desperately doesn't want Jaemin to forget him.</p><p>"Hey," Jaemin says softly. "You can tell me what's bothering you."</p><p>"Are you going to forget about me when you go off to college?" And Jisung hates it - he hates that he sounds every bit like the whiny child that Jaemin probably still sees him as, but he also wants to cling onto Jaemin and tell him not to leave him behind.</p><p>"Of course not." Jaemin lifts his head up from his arm, eyes wide. "Hey, come on, Ji. You're my best friend," he says. "And no matter how busy I get or how far away I am, I'll always be one call or text away. Preferably text, cause you never answer my calls anyway," Jaemin adds. Jisung cracks a smile at that, and Jaemin smiles back. "So don't worry, okay? We'll be fine."</p><p>Jisung nods. "Okay," he says. His voice is somewhat hoarse, and he clears his throat and tries again. "Okay."</p><p>"Don't get into too much trouble when I'm gone," Jaemin warns. "And stop growing! I'm gonna come home and have to move my head like this," he tilts his head back exaggeratedly, "just to see your face."</p><p>Jisung laughs. Jaemin's laughter mixes in with his own, ringing out into the night and above the noise of the cicadas.</p><p>Later that night, when Jaemin drops him off at his house, he waits for Jaemin to park the car before he reaches over the center console and tackles him into a hug. When he pulls away, embarrassingly enough, there's tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, but when he steals a glance at Jaemin to see if he's noticed, his own eyes glisten in the moonlight as well.</p><p>"Stop acting like I'm dying," Jaemin teases, though he looks like he's fighting back tears, just for the sake of being the older one in their friendship. "You'll see me again in a few months."</p><p>"I'm not the one who's crying," Jisung digs.</p><p>Jaemin points an accusatory finger at him. "You're tearing up, too!"</p><p>"No I'm not!" Jisung lies, and they fall into giggles once more. </p><p>The porch light turns on, and they both turn to see Jisung's mom emerge from the front door and gesturing for her son to open the window. Jisung complies, and she leans over the door, and then she's shoving an envelope that undoubtedly contains around $100 slipped discreetly between a greeting card into Jaemin's hands while he vehemently tries to refuse.</p><p>"A thank you," his mother says in Korean when Jaemin finally relents, because it's impossible to win these fights. "For taking care of Jisung all those years."</p><p>"Mom," Jisung complains.</p><p>"Oh, I'd say it was pretty even," Jaemin insists. "Your son took good care of me, too."</p><p>Jaemin meets his eyes, and he smiles; Jisung feels himself returning the gesture involuntarily.</p><p>"Good luck at school, Jaemin," Jisung's mom continues, and they both shift their attention back to her. "Your parents must be so sad, I don't know what I'm going to do when this one goes off to college!"</p><p>"Oh, I think they're already planning on replacing me with a dog," Jaemin responds, evoking a chuckle from all of them. He turns to Jisung. "You better not like the dog more than you like me, or I'll be very sad, okay?"</p><p>Jisung snorts. "It's a <em> dog, </em>I'd say it's no competition. Obviously I'll like the dog more."</p><p>"Hey!" Jaemin protests.</p><p>They laugh again, and then Jisung's mom taps his shoulder. "Come on, Jaemin has a long drive tomorrow. Let him get some rest."</p><p>He nods. His mom wishes Jaemin well again, and Jaemin thanks her for the gift. She disappears back inside, and Jisung turns back to Jaemin.</p><p>"Hey, Jaem?"</p><p>"Yeah?" Jaemin turns to meet his gaze.</p><p>"Thank you. For everything, like, for all these years." Jisung manages to get out, feeling strangely choked up.</p><p>Jaemin looks at him with a softness in his eyes, and he smiles warmly. "Thank <em> you. </em>For always being there."</p><p>"I mean, I didn't really have a choice at first," Jisung mutters, audible enough for Jaemin to hear.</p><p>The older laughs, and then he gives Jisung that melancholic smile again. "See you in three months."</p><p>"Three months," Jisung agrees. He grins, and then he exits the car. </p><p>Jaemin waves at him from the rolled-down window, and then he's shifting the gear and pressing on the gas. Jisung watches him go, standing outside at the edge of his driveway as Jaemin and his familiar white car fade into the distance.</p><p>Growing up, growing apart; it all tastes very bittersweet. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b><br/>
FIFTEEN</b>
</p><p>The white car pulls into his driveway. Jaemin's mom's car - no, it's <em> Jaemin's </em>car now, since he's at the helm and grinning maniacally as he rolls the passenger side window down and gesticulates wildly for Jisung to hop in.</p><p>Jisung rolls his eyes at his antics, though he's secretly endeared on the inside - not that he'll ever tell Jaemin that. He opens the door and slides in. "Do you look ugly in your license photo?" He says in lieu of a greeting.</p><p>"I can't believe it," Jaemin pouts. "That's all I get?"</p><p>"Fine. <em> Happy birthday, </em>Jaemin, do you look ugly in your license photo?" Jisung repeats.</p><p>"Thank you!" Jaemin responds cheerfully, ignoring the second half. His wallet sits in the cupholder, and Jisung reaches for it, sliding the horizontal ID out. Jaemin looks... like he always does, which is objectively good looking. It's entirely unfair.</p><p>"It's pretty rough," Jaemin bemoans. "But whatever."</p><p>"You don't look terrible," Jisung grumbles. "I was expecting worse."</p><p>"That's a compliment, coming from you," Jaemin grins. "So, thank you, thank you."</p><p>"I didn't get you a present," Jisung lies. In reality, it's gotten delayed in the mail - the vintage-looking Polaroid camera he'd bought for Jaemin had gotten backordered at the last minute, leaving him empty-handed for Jaemin's seventeenth birthday, much to his dismay.</p><p>"Don't need one," Jaemin grins, reaching over to pinch his cheek. "Your presence is my present."</p><p>"Disgusting," Jisung pretends to gag, slapping his hand away. "It's actually backordered."</p><p>"Oh," Jaemin raises his eyebrows. "Well, I'm sure I'll love it."</p><p>"You better," Jisung threatens. "I spent so long trying to find the perfect thing."</p><p>"If it's coming from you, I'll love it. You know me too well, anyway," Jaemin shrugs. He flashes Jisung a sideways look. "Hey. We've known each other forever. You think we'll stay in each other's lives, even when we're old?"</p><p>Jisung snorts. "I hope not," he says, though the joking lilt to his voice doesn't go unnoticed. Jaemin tries to pinch his cheek again, which he deflects. "I mean, our parents are best friends now, so I don't see me getting rid of you anytime soon. And, since it's your birthday, I'll be nice for once. I guess I wouldn't mind being stuck with you for a little longer."</p><p>Jaemin laughs. "What's next? We get houses next door to each other, and our kids become best friends and then our grandkids?"</p><p>"I can't escape you, can't I?" Jisung groans.</p><p>"Nah. We're in this shit forever," Jaemin jokes. "We've pretty much spent half our lives together, we might as well just do the same with the rest of it."</p><p>"Sounds like a nightmare."</p><p>"Your life would be boring without me, and you know it."</p><p>"Hm," Jisung muses. "Well, now you have a car, so I guess it's worth keeping you around until I can drive myself everywhere."</p><p>"Hey!" Jaemin protests. "It's my birthday, you're not allowed to be mean to me."</p><p>"Wow. Are you <em> sure </em>you're seventeen, and not seven?"</p><p>They erupt into laughter together. Mid-laugh, Jisung looks over at Jaemin, and realizes he's right: Jaemin's so deeply ingrained in his life at this point that he can't imagine a future without him. Of course, he won't give him the satisfaction of admitting it out loud, birthday be damned.</p><p>"Come on," Jaemin huffs. "When you're done bruising my ego-"</p><p>"I dunno, it could use a little more bruising," Jisung mutters jokingly.</p><p>"Hey!"</p><p>"Can you drive already? I'm hungry," Jisung cuts innocently.</p><p>Jaemin laughs. "That's what I was going to say. You ready?"</p><p>Jisung buckles himself in. "Don't crash, please, I'm too young to die."</p><p>"I'm a <em> great </em>driver," Jaemin says sagely. "I'm certified by the state to legally operate a vehicle." He shifts the gear from P to D, and the car lurches forward, nearly crashing into Jisung's garage.</p><p>"AHH!" Jisung shouts, gripping onto the handlebar for dear life. "I'm gonna die, aren't I."</p><p>"Shush, I'm still getting the hang of it," Jaemin whines. He shifts the gear to R, and one hand comes up behind Jisung's headrest. He cranes his neck to watch the street behind them, and slowly he starts to back out of the driveway.</p><p>Jisung watches as Jaemin maneuvers the car, entirely focused, tongue poking out between his lips as they move backwards. When they pull out of the driveway, Jaemin carefully steers them so the car's parallel to the street, and he flashes Jisung a triumphant smile as he lowers his hand from where it had been, close to the back of Jisung's neck. "See? That wasn't too bad."</p><p>"You haven't even driven on the road yet," Jisung points out.</p><p>"I'm a great driver, I promise," Jaemin insists.</p><p>"People who say that are usually terrible," Jisung responds skeptically.</p><p>"Just watch and learn, my friend." Jaemin grins. He shifts gears and the car lurches forward; Jisung keeps one hand on the handlebar, just in case, but eventually he relaxes his hold when Jaemin steers the car carefully through afternoon traffic. Their suburban neighborhood blurs around them, and he looks over at Jaemin and smiles fondly at him when he knows Jaemin's too busy keeping his eyes on the road.</p><p>He feels like a character in one of Jaemin's coming-of-age indie films that have been his latest obsession, which meant that Jisung's been forced to watch one too many of them. With Jaemin by his side and the open road stretching out in front of them for miles, nobody telling them where to go, he feels so <em> free. <br/>
</em></p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <b>SIXTEEN, SEVENTEEN, EIGHTEEN</b>
</p><p>Jisung thinks he understands it now. In all those moments they shared together, wrapped up in their own little world from the front and passenger seats of cars - Jaemin's white one, Jisung's gray one, even Jeno's clunky Jeep - there's one universal constant, no matter whose vehicle they're in: Jisung loves Jaemin, even if he doesn't quite understand what that word means yet.</p><p>He falls in love with night drives and windows rolled down in the summer first. He just doesn’t realize that it was never really about the drives themselves, but rather, the boy by his side through them all, until it's a little too late.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <b>NINETEEN </b>
</p><p>There’s a small park at the center of their town. It doesn’t contain much, just a couple of benches and a grassy area that’s filled with trees, but it’s usually peaceful at nighttime. Before either of them could drive, he and Jaemin used to walk here from Jaemin’s place and waste away the slow weekend days talking and joking around until one of their parents called them home for dinner first. </p><p>Tonight, he sits alone at one of the benches, letting the tears fall down. </p><p>They never told their parents that they were together - they’d wanted to keep it to themselves, at least until they knew where it was going. And when it became clear that things were headed south, they'd decided it would be best to keep whatever happened between them a secret. Besides, if their parents found out they’d broken up, it had the potential to strain the relationship between their families, and they’d been raised with too much filial piety to break their parents’ hearts as well. </p><p>He knows his mother’s been suspecting that something’s wrong ever since his parents had picked him up from the airport, and she’d commented offhandedly that he was being quieter than usual. He’d chalked it down to post-flight fatigue, but he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to put up the facade that nothing’s wrong for the entire summer. </p><p>He shouldn’t have come home. Everything here reminds him of Jaemin, all those memories haunting him at every turn. It's in his car, his childhood bedroom, every single street they'd driven through. And despite it all, despite everything going to shit in the last couple of months in their whirlwind relationship, he misses Jaemin.</p><p>But here's the thing: he doesn't know if he misses Jaemin because of their history, or if he misses him because he laments the future that they could have had together. All he knows is that there's a dull ache that settles in his heart when he forgets for a moment that everything's different now and he reaches for his phone, only to find that his lock screen doesn't show the collection of Polaroid photos they'd taken together on the vintage-looking film camera he'd bought for Jaemin on his seventeenth birthday anymore.</p><p>So he cries, letting the tears slip down his cheeks, the only audible noise in the night his shaky breaths. He cries, because he hates that he does, but he misses Jaemin. He misses him because he's home, but all he can think about is how badly he wishes things were normal between them, because without Jaemin to turn to, the familiar suburban sprawl of his hometown feels distant to him somehow, like Jaemin was what kept him grounded here.</p><p>And he still loves Jaemin, because how could he not? He'd never felt this way for anyone before, even when he'd been a little too young to know what that feeling of warmth in his chest whenever Jaemin came around meant. He's still young, he knows, but they always say that first love always cuts the deepest. What if this was it? What if he never finds someone else who just <em> gets </em> him the way Jaemin does?</p><p>The sound of jingling metal jolts him out of his depressing thoughts when he realizes he's not alone. He turns his head, quickly wiping away the tears and hoping whoever's there just moves on. Except illuminated under the glow of the streetlights, standing frozen as his dog sniffs around, is Jaemin.</p><p>Jaemin, who looks unfairly good like he always does. Jaemin, who seems surprised to see him, as if they haven't lived in the same neighborhood since they were toddlers. Jaemin, who shattered his heart into a million pieces when they called it quits, who doesn't seem as broken up about it as Jisung does.</p><p>Jaemin steps forward. It takes a few strides for him to catch up, his family's samoyed bouncing excitedly at his feet, and then he's there, standing right in front of Jisung, taking in his disheveled appearance and puffy, red eyes as he sits alone on the park bench.</p><p>Jisung snaps out of it. He stands up and turns his back to Jaemin, ready to leave, but something stops him in his tracks - Jaemin's free hand shoots out, fingers curling around his wrist. "Jisung."</p><p>He turns around slowly. Somewhere between seeing Jaemin in the flesh and turning away, the tears have started to fall again. But he says nothing; Jisung stares at him, unmoving, as Jaemin inches closer and closer, and then he's wordlessly wrapping his arms around his waist and leaning his head into the crook of Jisung's neck.</p><p>His arms come up around him automatically. There's a slight tremor in Jaemin's shoulders, and he can feel warm tears flowing onto his shirt as he breathes shakily against him. His own tears fall down, and for a moment, he relishes in how comforting it is - how comforting Jaemin being here is to him. He just wishes it were under better circumstances.</p><p>Jisung's the first to pull back. He considers walking away, but the defeated look on Jaemin's face is enough to keep his feet planted firmly in place. Instead, he takes a seat on the bench, leaving enough space for Jaemin to sit while maintaining some distance between them.</p><p>Jaemin sits. Lucky, his family's samoyed, sniffs at Jisung's fingers curiously, before he deems the humans boring and moves away to inspect a patch of grass a few feet away. Their eyes both track the dog's movements, finding it easier to look at him instead of each other. Jaemin's parents had made good on their promise to replace their only son with a puppy when he'd left for college, and Lucky's been part of the Na family for the good part of a year now.</p><p>"What are we doing?" Jisung says. His voice is hoarse, and he keeps his eyes firmly trained on Lucky, his white fur sticking out in the darkness of the night.</p><p>"I don't know," Jaemin responds. He lets out a soft laugh, and Jisung's resolve crumbles, finally turning to look at him. There's dark circles under Jaemin's eyes that he hadn't noticed before, and his eyes are tinged with red - but he still looks gorgeous. He always does.</p><p>Jisung poses another question. "Do you miss me?"</p><p>Jaemin glances over in surprise. His lips curl into a sad smile, and then he nods. "Of course I do. Do you?"</p><p>"Yeah," Jisung murmurs. "I do, too." It's true - Chenle, his roommate back in college as well as his closest friend and confidante, is probably secretly sick and tired of hearing about how much he misses Jaemin, but lends an ear for the sake of being a good friend. He takes a deep breath, exhaling shakily. "I miss you, but it's not like that changes anything, right?"</p><p>Jaemin says nothing. Jisung continues, "I should move on, right? I know you already have."</p><p>"What?" Jaemin frowns. "What are you talking about?"</p><p>"Mark," Jisung says softly. Mark Lee's a nice guy and all, but even when Jisung and Jaemin were still together, it became increasingly clear that Mark was very much interested in Jaemin. He was always at his apartment on campus, and it doesn't help that his hometown is twenty minutes away, meaning that Jisung's been subjected to seeing Jaemin's Instagram stories of him and Mark taking the train, going on adventures in the city together. And how can he compete? Mark's an year older than Jaemin, and he's cool and handsome and endearing in a dorky way, which also happens to be Jaemin's type.</p><p>"Mark?" Jaemin says incredulously. His eyes go comically wide, and he shakes his head vehemently. "No, oh my God, there's nothing going on with me and Mark." He fixes his wide eyes on Jisung. "I don't think I'm ready to get out there," he says quietly. The unsaid <em> yet </em>hangs in the air, and Jisung can feel his heart break a little more in his chest.</p><p>"But he was always at your place," Jisung mumbles, feeling heat rise to his cheeks.</p><p>"Mark likes Jeno," Jaemin says, letting out a small laugh. "I can see where you're coming from, but... you got the wrong roommate there."</p><p>"Oh," Jisung responds numbly. But even though that's cleared up, it still doesn't change the many other problems that plagued their relationship.</p><p>They fall into a tense silence. Lucky returns to his owner's side, curling up at Jaemin's feet with a whine, and Jaemin glances down, patting the dog on the head. "I should get him home," he says softly.</p><p>Jisung fishes his car keys from his pocket. "I'll drop you off."</p><p>"You don't have to," Jaemin protests halfheartedly. "It's not a far walk."</p><p>"It's pretty dark," Jisung points out. "It's really not any trouble."</p><p>Jaemin hesitates, and then he nods. "Okay. Thanks."</p><p>Jisung leads them to where his car's parked, the only one standing in the empty parking lot. Jaemin wrangles Lucky into the backseat and then buckles himself into the passenger side. They take off wordlessly. It only takes a few minutes to drive to Jaemin's place, but for some inexplicable reason, Jisung doesn't want this ride to end. Maybe it's because once they arrive at the house and Jaemin shuts the door behind him, there will be a sense of finality that emphasizes once more that they're through.</p><p>His gaze lingers on Jaemin a little too long when he's stopped at a stop sign, judging from the way he doesn't press on the gas until at least ten seconds have passed. Jaemin has the window down, eyes closed as he lets the early summer breeze run through his hair, and Jisung's heart clenches at the familiarity of it all.</p><p>He pulls into Jaemin's driveway a little too soon. When he stops the car, Jaemin turns to look at him, the low light reflecting onto his handsome features. "Wait," he says. "Don't leave? I just need to get Lucky inside."</p><p>All he can do is nod and wait, shutting off the engine and leaning back in his seat as Jaemin steps out, opening the back door and picking up his dog before closing it behind him. He watches Jaemin unlock the door to his house and drop Lucky inside, before he shuts the front door and pads down the driveway back to where Jisung and his car wait.</p><p>"This feels nostalgic," Jaemin laughs quietly, gesturing between them when he settles in.</p><p>Jisung feels seventeen again, sitting in the driver's seat and feeling a strange desire to impress the older boy in the passenger seat; suddenly he's eighteen, desperate to prove to his childhood best friend and newfound crush that he's not a kid anymore, that he can love him better than all those people who broke his heart in college ever did.</p><p>He blinks, and he's nineteen again, staring down a twenty-one year-old Jaemin Na that, despite it all, he's still in love with. "I missed this," he admits. "Driving around with you."</p><p>Jaemin smiles, though his eyes are still tinged with sadness. He leans forward slightly. "Me too."</p><p>Jisung swallows. Inside the car, it's dark, save for the little light that filters in from the streetlights above, and it's quiet, but in a strangely peaceful sort of way. His eyes fall to Jaemin, only to find that he's watching him too.</p><p>"We haven't done this in a while, huh?" Jaemin muses. "I've always loved our night drives."</p><p>"Me too," Jisung agrees. "Maybe we should have stolen Jeno's car more often." <em> Maybe then we wouldn't have felt like we were running on borrowed time. </em></p><p>Jaemin lets out a soft laugh. He turns to Jisung with curious eyes. "Can I ask you something random?"</p><p>Jisung nods. "Sure. What's up?"</p><p>"When did you fall in love with me?" Jaemin inquires.</p><p>"Oh," Jisung murmurs. He inhales sharply. "I don't know when, exactly." He tilts his head to meet Jaemin's eyes. "But I think a part of me was always a little in love with you. Maybe it was when I was fifteen and you got your driver's license and you said that line about knowing each other for half our lives, so we might as well just spend the rest of it together? Or when I was sixteen and I was upset because you were about to leave for college and I was scared you'd forget about me, and I had to reflect on myself and ask why I cared so much? Or that time I got my driver's license, and I was so excited to drive to your house and show off, and I didn't know why, but I just cared a lot about your opinion of me. And then when I got drunk at that party last semester and kissed you out of nowhere, I think that's when it really hit me..." He trails off, casting a sideways glance at Jaemin.</p><p>Strangely enough, Jaemin's eyes look like they're sparkling with tears. He inhales, exhales, steadying himself, and then he speaks. "I'm about to do something I think I might regret," he says slowly. "Can I do it?"</p><p>He's suddenly aware of how close Jaemin's face is to his own, and he finds himself subconsciously leaning forward. He has an idea of what Jaemin wants, and if his hunch is right, it's something he wants too, despite knowing deep down that nothing good can come from it.</p><p>Jisung nods. Jaemin moves closer. Over the center console, their lips meet, soft and slow and hesitant at first, before realization strikes both of them like lightning. He can taste salty tears, though he can't tell if they're his own or if they're Jaemin's; perhaps a mix of both. But he doesn't care, too busy thinking of how easily their lips slot together, falling perfectly into place, Jaemin's tongue between his teeth and his fingers tangling in his hair.</p><p>They're both breathless by the time they pull back. "I'm sorry," Jaemin murmurs. "I'm so sorry."</p><p>Jisung takes a shaky breath. He turns to look out the windshield, staring into a seemingly empty void of night. "What was it for you?" He says in lieu of a response. "The moment you fell in love with me?"</p><p>"When you kissed me for the first time," Jaemin says immediately. He lets out a short laugh at the memory. "When you started your first semester, it had me all confused, you know? Because I looked at you, and then I was suddenly reminded that we weren't little kids anymore. And being with you, things just felt... familiar, and it was so easy to fall, little by little. And then you kissed me after that party and it hit me all at once, I guess. Got me thinking about what we used to say about 'forever.'"</p><p>"Forever," Jisung repeats flatly. But they don't have <em> forever. </em>Not anymore, at least, not in that way.</p><p>"Forever," Jaemin murmurs, as if testing the syllables out. Then, he bites his lip. "Do you think we'll ever be able to go back to the way we were?"</p><p>"Which way?" Jisung raises his eyebrows. "The one where we were together, or the one where we were best friends?"</p><p>Jaemin shrugs. "Either." He goes quiet for a few moments, and then he glances up at Jisung again. "I just don't want to lose you."</p><p>"You won't," Jisung says quietly, even if they both know that a small part of them has been lost; their roots are too closely tied to possibly ever completely fall apart, but there's fractured pieces all over. They might be able to pick up some of the pieces and grow from there, yet he doesn't know if they'll ever be able to fully recover.</p><p>Their eyes meet in the darkness, though neither of them make any motion to reach out again. They're not the same people they were years and years ago, tonight has made sure of that.</p><p>Jaemin nods. "I should go," he says quietly. "Good night, Jisung."</p><p>"Good night," he responds, watching as Jaemin exits the car, shutting the door behind him. He disappears into that familiar house without looking back, and Jisung starts the car up again, hearing the engine roar to life.</p><p>The silence is welcoming; just him, the steering wheel underneath his fingers, and the open road in front of him. He casts one last look at Jaemin's house, catching a glimpse of a silhouette standing at the window on the second floor that he knows to be Jaemin's bedroom. Maybe someday they'll find their way back to each other, like they always seem to do. But for now, he knows what he has to do.</p><p>He takes a steadying breath, and then he presses on the gas. He lets the car take him further and further away from Jaemin's street, until it's nothing more than a tiny blur in the distance.</p><p>There's a white car in the lane next to him when he's stopped at a red light, and he knows it's not Jaemin's, but a small part of him still seeks out his face in the familiar. The ghost of Jaemin is all around, in the sidewalks and crosswalks and front lawns, and Jisung lets himself imagine while the light still colors his skin crimson, lets himself miss Jaemin.</p><p>The light turns green. Jisung drives on, and he lets Jaemin go. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>haha... oops </p><p>in my mind they get tis the damn season-ed the next time they come home for christmas break but what happens next is entirely up to you ;) </p><p>find me on twt: <a href="https://twitter.com/LEOLlNE">@LEOLlNE</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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